Me and my husband wanted nothing more then a baby, we got married in January 2013 and conceived in February. We was both so excited and dreamt of having a little girl. We was due to move onto a Army barracks an hour away from my family & friends, I was looking forward to the change of scenery but wasn’t aware of what I was letting myself in for. April came and we moved into our new home, I didn’t hold a driving license so I had to take two trains and two taxi every day to Southampton for work (exhausting!) Our 3month scan came and we had a beautiful healthy baby! Two weeks later my husband deployed to Afghanistan leaving me for 4 months. I then started obsessing that something was wrong with our baby, i would visit the hospital at least 3 times a week so have a trace and to check babies heart beat. When leaving the hospital I would feel relief that everything was ok but this would only last for a short time…then panic would set it again. I would constantly wash my hands, I was over cautious with food ect. I knew my “OCD” was flaring up but the doctors just thought I was being paranoid and nervous. 20 weeks scan I found out we was having a baby girl experiencing the happy moment over Skype with my husband who I missed dearly, I cried so much over those four months wanting to have my husbands support. He has always been my comfort & security, I felt so alone and isolated. When my husband returned home I felt so much relief and he helped me with my nerves. I carried of visiting the hospital because I couldn’t feel my daughters movements for two weeks they would just send me home after an hours trace. On Monday 14th October my husband drove me to the hospital asking them to please scan me as I was a bag of nerves.
They did so and noticed baby wasn’t meeting criteria and that they wanted to induce me that night. After two long nights, 3 pessarys ,breaking my waters,Epidural my beautiful daughter was born 16/10/13 via forceps. I remember crying with relief she’s finally here! When my husband went home I remember feeling lonely and thinking what am I doing? Weeks after that I still didn’t feel myself questioning “Do I love my daughter?” “Would I be upset if some one took her away?” I decided this wasn’t normal taking myself to the doctors who then put me on medication. The following week I broke down hallucinating and non stop crying I couldn’t pick my daughter up.i literally felt out of control. I started having intrusive thoughts about harming my daughter and this literally freaked me out I begged my mum and husband to not leave me alone because I thought I had lost the plot. Perinatal then stepped in diagnosing me with OCD & PND. 3 months down the line I hadn’t been left alone but was managing to look after my daughter. 7 months on I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, I look after my beautiful girl every day and do everything for her possible. I can now be indoors on my own this feels like such a big achievement. I’m getting there and her smile is just amazing. Every step forward is getting me closer and closer to my daughter. I want to help other mums as I never felt I would come so far and I’m enjoying life again. Xx